


Book of Wakanda

by Smoke_Wisp



Category: Black Panther (2018), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Church of Latter Day Saints, Comedy, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Missions Gone Wrong, Musicals, Religion, Satire, Wakanda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 17:59:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13886127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smoke_Wisp/pseuds/Smoke_Wisp
Summary: Superior: Elder Ross and Elder Barnes, your mission location will be .... Wakanda.Ross: Wakanda?Bucky: Wakanda! Third-world nation of textiles, shepherds and cool outfits!I got tickets to see the traveling show of Book of the Mormon (which was a first-rate performance) and then Black Panther came out. This seemed like a natural paring.





	Book of Wakanda

_Opening_

> **Superior:** Elder Ross, your brother will be …. Elder Barnes.
> 
> **Bucky:** Who? Oh, hey, that’s me, that’s my name. I remember now.
> 
> **Ross:** Oh, hi.
> 
> **Superior:** And your mission location will be … Wakanda.
> 
> **Ross:** Wakanda?
> 
> **Bucky:** Wakanda! Third-world nation of textiles, shepherds and cool outfits!

_Act One_

Elder Ross took a deep breath and prepared to write his letter home. It had been a long, long day and a part of him wanted to just curl up in a tiny ball and descend into unconsciousness. But Ross wasn’t the sort to listen to that part of himself, nor the part that had been telling him to run back to the airport and take the next plane home.

He was where God wanted him to be. God had a plan, a good and Godly plan at that. Since Elder Ross had never let God down, then God wouldn’t let him down. Right? Right! He’d keep this letter positive.

> Dear Mom and Dad and Harry,
> 
> We’ve arrived in Wakanda. The plane ride here was long but the seats were comfortable. I let Elder Barnes have the window seat because he was so excited to look out at the sky and ocean. 
> 
> The stewardesses ran out of food before they got to our row, so the extra lunch you packed was a blessing. Elder Barnes thanks you too. He has quite the appetite! He jokes that he has a hollow arm, which is sort of funny because he does have a metal robotic arm. Actually, it’s kind of unnerving. Actually, several things about Elder Barnes are unnerving, for instance 

Ross stopped mid-sentence. Turn it off, he told himself.

Sure, this mission wasn’t much the like the one that he’d dreamed of his entire life. There were no palaces, no museums, no conservatories, no United Nations cultural centers. Ever since his family had vacationed there, he’d prayed God would send him back to Vienna. 

Instead, he was surrounded by mud huts and corrugated steel shacks, his companion was part cyborg, and he suspected he hadn’t packed enough sunscreen. But, when his ancestors pushed their wagons across the prairie, mountains and desert to the promised holy land, they didn’t have baroque architecture or cafés or SPF30, and likely the new religion had even back then attracted some odd ducks like Elder Barnes. As long as Ross kept turning off those doubts and bursts of rational analysis, he should be fine.

He took a few deep breaths, grabbed a new sheet of paper and, this time, a pencil. He began the letter again.

> Dear Mom and Dad and Harry,
> 
> Wakanda certainly has cool outfits.
> 
> The security guards at the airport (they’re all women for some reason) were dressed in these amazing red robes, and had shaved heads and ornamental spears. This being a third world nation, they don’t have X-ray scanners so the guards had to go through all our bags manually. It’s funny, but did you know that technology like cell phones and cameras is not allowed in Wakanda? They gave me a tag to reclaim it when we left next week. I told them we were here for two years and they just, well, it wasn’t exactly a smile but I’m sure that’s what they were aiming for. 
> 
> Overall, the Wakandans are very nice. There was a bit of miscommunication, translation issues, with some locals but eventually a very nice woman named Nakia helped us find the missionary living quarters.
> 
> Only Elder Klaue is here right now. He says the other missionaries are on an overnight doorbell-ringing reconnaissance expedition, and warned us not to go into the back room. Elder Klaue has been stalking out a great place for us to proselytize tomorrow. He said it will be so exciting that we should pack an extra pair of undergarments.
> 
> I’m off to bed now. I hope we can make a big difference in these people’s lives bringing them salvation. After all, they live in such primitive and meager conditions.
> 
> Your loving son,  
> 
> 
> Everett

Just as Ross was about to turn out the lights, Bucky stumbled in looking even more wild eyed than usual.

“Elder Ross, Elder Ross-“ 

“Did you get the 17 rusty furnaces like Elder Klaue asked?” Bucky’s face went blank, causing his cherubic features to approach intimidating, then he seemed to shake it off.

“Did I … um no, er yes. Maybe? Anyway, Elder Ross, Wakanda is amazing. I was wandering in the marketplace and they sell all sorts of stuff. Fruit, clothing, arc reactors, and so many baskets! And everything’s got blue LEDs on it. But they don’t take credit cards, just mobile pay apps.”

“Elder Barnes-“

“Hey, do you think we can take one of the levitating trains when we go out proselytizing? The skyscrapers are so massive, it would be nice not to have to walk as much. But, even better, what if we took one of the giant rhinoceroses? Do you think we could get one as a pet?”

“You’re making things up again, Bucky.” Ross snapped, and then added more gently, “It’s been a long day, Elder Barnes, we should get some sleep.” 

Thankfully Bucky was mostly quiet as he got into bed. “Hey, Elder Ross, I was thinking, do you think Frodo was really the hero of Lord of the Rings? Sometimes I think Samwise did more of the work-“

“Go to sleep, Elder Barnes,” said Ross. Besides, everyone knew that Bilbo was the true hero.

_Musical Interlude_

> **Bucky:** When I was in the fifth grade, I had a friend, Steve Rogers (Steve Rogers) He and I were as close as two friends could be (We could be close …) One thing led to another, and soon I would discover (Wow!) I was having really strange feelings for Steve. I thought about us on a desert island (We’re all alone) We’d swim naked-
> 
> **Ross:** Turn it off, Elder Barnes!
> 
> **Bucky:** Huh? Why? Oh, yeah, All Ages rating, sorry.

_Act Two_

“Wow! That is one massive entrance. Does it have a doorbell?” ask Bucky looking carefully at one of the giant stone legs while Ross trembled slightly.

“Although, given that Elder Klaue just blew up the door, I suppose they already know we’re here.” Bucky went on, oblivious to the panicked look in Ross’s eyes. 

“Mission … God’s plan… guns…” Ross was muttering. 

The day had been off to such a good start. They’d packed plenty of bibles and church pamphlets, as well as bottled water and energy bars, and started off through the jungle with Elder Klaue and the other missionaries. Only he and Bucky were dressed in church dress code, Klaue had said something about going native when asked why everyone was toting automatic assault rifles. As they wound their way up the mountain path, Ross had visions of a remote village untouched by the modern world, with natives ready to embrace the Church’s teachings.

“Hey, do you think my hand has a gun like Elder Klaue’s?” Bucky held his hand close to Ross’s face, only then noticing the other’s chalk-white complexion. As Bucky leaned in, Ross snapped to attention.

“Turn it off!” he shouted.

“Um, what?” Bucky asked as Ross started to march purposefully under the stone cat. Bucky raced to catch up. “No, don’t worry, Elder Ross, you’re not my type … nothing against your looks, I just like them taller-“

“Ding dong, Ding dong.” Ross said in a sing-song voice while poking the air, “Elder Barnes, what’s important is that we are here. Now. On our mission. It is God’s calling. This is all part of His plan, and God doesn’t make mistakes, right?”

Images of death, destruction and mutilation floated up in Bucky’s mind. “That question might be above my pay grade,” he said. 

“Our problem is that we’ve been improvising!” Ross’s voice was gaining certainty. “No disrespect to Elder Klaue and his methods, but we should stick to our official Mormon training.”

“Ooh, official training,” came a female voice behind them, “And what would that be? Foolhardy ventures into darkness?”

“With a candle to light our way!” said Bucky, “Hey, I remember a lesson. Oh, hi Nokia, do you live here?”

“No,” Nakia replied, “I was just following you white boys. What are you doing here?”

“We came to tell heathens about Jesus Christ,” said Bucky, “that’s another lesson I remembered!”

“European missionaries have been coming to Africa since the crusades, I think we know something about Jesus Christ,” said Nakia, a slight edge to her otherwise pleasant manner.

“Oh, we’re not talking about European Jesus,” Barnes assured her, “This is American Jesus.”

“I thought he was Jewish.”

“He is, or was,” Ross jumped in to perform damage control, “What I’m sure Elder Barnes was meaning to say is that we preach the word of the American prophet, Joseph Smith. In 1823, he dug up these ancient plates in his back yard that told him about Christ traveling to the new world to start a brand-new religion called Mormonism.”

“Plates, you said?”

_Musical Interlude_

> **Klaue:** I got de Vibranium plates (Vibranium plates).  
>  I’m gonna sell dem to the highest bidder.  
>  They’re gonna blow up the world.  
>  I got de Vibranium plates.

_Act Three_

“And Brigham Young led them to paradise. A sparkling land in Utah they called Salt Lake City.  
I know it may sound a bit far-fetched,” Ross admitted when he’d finished, “Ancient tribes, God appearing to a man, sanctioning him to lead his people, blessing them with a utopia on Earth filled with wonders.”

“Almost like a comic book, or something,” mused Bucky.

“But crazy as it seems, it’s what we believe,” insisted Ross, “if more people knew about Mormonism, the world would be a better place. And it’s our job to go out and tell people.”

Nakia gave him a measured look, “Your religion is completely nonsensical, and yet your deeper goal is not without merit.”

“By the way,” interjected Ross, “where are you taking us?”

“Someplace safe.”

“But these massive caves with all the blue glowing rocks and the high-speed maglev trains seem safe-,” Barnes’ words were drowned out by a series of explosions, “Ooh, fireworks!”

_Musical Interlude_

> **Killmonger:** I–iiii got the Vibranium plates.  
>  I’m gonna be king.  
>  We’re gonna blow up the world.  
>  I got the Vibranium plates.

_Act Four_

“And don’t touch that either!” shouted Shuri, removing the glove attachments from Bucky’s hands, “you already have a weaponized hand.”

“But just the one,” said Bucky. He hadn’t been this happy since he’d discovered Apple Stores. Shuri’s well-lit workspace was filled with all manner of super-cool weapons, each displayed on easy to access tables and, unlike the Apple Store, nothing was tied down with a cable. 

“Keep touching my experiments and you won’t even have that.” 

Fortunately for all hands involved, Nakia returned at that moment. “The, er… fireworks are over and I’d like you to come and talk to our king.”

“Oh goody, I’ve never met a real live king,” said Bucky, “Or never one that stayed alive after our meeting.”

“But Nakia,” said Ross, “I’m not sure exactly what to say to a king.”

“Tell him all about Joseph Smith and the plates and the importance of your mission. Just like you told me,” she directed the two to the door, “Now go out there, he’s waiting.”

“You’re the best, thanks Nubi-“

“Don’t push your luck.”

As the doors closed behind the missionaries, Shuri turned to Nakia. “What exactly do you think this will accomplish?”

“I’m hoping that seeing just how little truth and reason is needed to motivate a culture to spread its message across the world will kick your brother’s butt into action.” 

“Ah,” said Shuri knowingly, “appealing to his sense of competition.”

_Finale_

> **W’Kabi:** Hello, my name is Elder W’Kabi and I would like to share with you some amazing tech.
> 
> **Oyoke:** Hello.
> 
> **Nakia:** Hello.
> 
> **Oyoke:** My name is Sister Oyoke, it comes from the heart of Africa, Wakanda.
> 
> **M’Baku:** Five tribes.
> 
> **Ramonda:** Hello.
> 
> **M’Baku:** Magic glowing purple fruit.
> 
> **Ayo:** Organic and fair-trade certified.
> 
> **Oyoke:** From an ancient culture untouched by Western imperialism.
> 
> **M’Baku:** Ding dong.
> 
> **Shuri:** Hey ya’all.
> 
> **Killmonger:** Hello, my name is Elder Kil- er N’Jakada. Did you know that women are the critical backbone of enlightened civilizations?
> 
> **Ramonda:** Afrofuturism!
> 
> **Ayo:** Flying cars!
> 
> **M’Baku:** War Rhinos!
> 
> **Killmonger:** And you shouldn’t go around killing those strong women.
> 
> **Shuri:** Vibranium to counter alien invasions!
> 
> **Nakia:** Can we tell you more?
> 
> **Pepper Pots:** Um, sure. Hey, Tony, come see who’s at the door.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a hoot to write, thanks for reading!


End file.
